


buried here with you

by dustywings



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-14 15:18:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11210772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dustywings/pseuds/dustywings
Summary: ‘All of our friends–’ he breathes, ‘–are dead.’





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> This is a slight AU. The war is over, and Levi and Hanji are the last few survivors. A story simply about them.
> 
> Rating will be Mature from chapter two onwards, so just be aware. 
> 
> Short and sweet chapters, filled with LeviHan goodness.

When the war is over, he dreams about becoming a Titan.

Huge, massive and ugly. 

In these dreams, the ability to Shift is not within his grasp. Sometimes, his Titan mind is so erratic, he’s not too sure what he is anymore. Locked away in a body which does not belong to him – he is protected, surrounded by thick flesh and heavy bones. It is a cavern, a sanctuary for him to call home. Safe within the confines of this beast, he is unbeatable.

Levi always wake up terrified.

So scared, the sheets are soaked in his sweat, and his heart is close to paralysis. 

When the war is over, the war is all he can think about.

**.**

**.**

**.**

The sky is red.

It burns his eyes, forcing him to squint. 

They say there is no use in the military anymore. Levi can’t walk away from his duties, though. He was born to follow them, after all. The military is his life. 

Without the military, he is irrelevant, and he will wither away and die. 

The few veterans who survived only walk away through death. Suicide is their favourite escape.

Levi hasn’t been tempted. Dying means there’s nothing left to lose. And on this earth, there are still things – _people_ – which give him reason to live.

Fortunately, the door is ajar. He doesn’t knock. Levi steps inside, shocked and frustrated to witness scraps of paper covering the floor. Thousands of notes and paragraphs of scribbles, diagrams, equations, all thrown to the floor and abandoned. Sitting in the middle of the pile, Hanji has a book open in her lap, apparently glued to the words. Levi steps inside, frowns when he spots her glasses on the desk.

‘Interesting, what you’ve done to the place.’

Walking over, it is impossible for him not to step on the carpet of paper.

Just as he’s about to pick up a few sheets, Hanji exclaims, ‘Don’t touch anything!’ Levi cocks a brow, reluctantly obeying. She turns to look at him, eyes wide. ‘Wow,’ she chuckles breathily, ‘You’re _much_ taller than I remember, Captain.’

‘Um,’ Levi frowns, ‘That’s because you’re sitting down, and I’m standing. Perception is a funny thing.’

‘Oh, right.’ Hanji blinks. ‘What day is it?’

‘Wednesday. It’s six in the morning.’

‘Wednesday,’ she repeats. ‘Why do we still stick to time?’

Levi isn’t sure if she’s being serious or not. Sighing loudly, he walks over, glances down at the book in her lap. ‘Can you read that?’

‘Not really,’ she admits, ‘It’s mostly just blurry. Staring at it for long periods of time doesn’t seem to help.’

‘Are you okay?’

It is a stupid question. Neither of them are all right. The war is over, and so are they.

‘Yes,’ she says, distracted. ‘Shit. That’s why: this book isn’t written in English.’ Levi blinks, struggling to keep her with her pattern of thought. Hanji slams the book shut, and carelessly tips it aside. The _slam_ as it hits the floor echoes the room. 

Levi has never found the quiet so deafening.

‘Commander,’ he says. _Careful_. ‘Look at the _mess_ you’ve made.’

Hanji doesn’t seem to notice. ‘I actually feel lonely without them. I hoped, at least, I would be able to complete my research on them, but–well, they died, didn’t they? Too quickly. It’s really sad.’ She rubs her eye with the heel of her palm. ‘We could have been good friends.’

‘No,’ Levi says sternly. ‘They would have been too busy trying to _eat_ you.’

‘Oh, well. We all have our faults, Levi.’

‘Is that how you feel? Lonely?’

He doesn’t mean to sound so cruel. 

There is a long pause between them, and he _nearly_ apologises. Because the idea of hurting her while she’s down is more than he can bear. 

But–

‘Sometimes.’

Levi’s shoulders drop. Hearing her confess this leaves a pit in his stomach.

‘I do sometimes, too.’

‘That’s kind of you to say.’

She knows he wouldn’t admit to something so devastating, if it wasn’t for her sake. Levi needs her to know they’re in the same boat. Paddling along a stream, which will inevitably lead them to Hell. God help him, he’s certain they have already been there.

Now, the two of them are trapped in purgatory.

Levi kneels beside her. Places a hand on her shoulder. 

Then, lets his hand drop.

Together they sit in silence, years of notes scattered around them. It is all worthless now. So much research, so much dedication, so many lives _lost_ and now it’s all over. The world has never been more at peace, and, yet, the world has never been closer to fatality.

‘Have you ever seen it?’ Levi whispers. ‘The ocean.’

If he could dream about water, anything but Titans–oh, he would _kill_.

‘Blue,’ she says. ‘The colour of the ocean is blue.’

‘Blue,’ he murmurs, tears sting his eyes. ‘ _Shit_.’

It breaks his heart to pieces. The ocean. They have all dreamed about it, and never witnessed such beauty. The war has stolen their liberty, and they have nowhere to go. _They are lost in an abyss of dread_. She and him, forever tied to their uniform, their blades, their tiny memories of comrades, loveless family; the stench of blood, and decaying bodies, and the wailing.

‘All of our friends–’ he breathes, ‘–are dead.’

Hanji presses him to the floor. He falls into the piles of paper, ink smudging into his shirt, and he just _collapses_. There is no fight left in him. She could grab the dagger and cut his throat if she wished. It wouldn’t matter. Levi would just let go–

But she takes his hands, straddles his hips, and holds him steady beneath her. 

They can’t fall apart.

‘Not all of them.’

Levi’s eyes flutter shut, and he exhales.

There are too many dead faces in his head. 

‘May we see it together?’ He asks. ‘The blue sea.’

It sounds like a vow. 

It sounds like another promise, another pledge to follow her to the edge of the earth.

She kisses his eyelids. 

Levi sighs. Just like that, the agony doesn’t taunt him as much. 

He _reaches_ for her.

The blue sea may as well be a myth, a legend; a fantasy to help soldiers sleep at night. 

But she will go there with him. To the blue. Be it only in their imagination, or in reality. 

They will go there, to the deep blue, free and soaring.

**.**

**.**

**.**

When the war is over, he dreams about becoming a Titan.

And Hanji is nowhere to be found.

Lost.

**.**

**.**

**.**

This time, he jolts awake, 

_screaming out her name._

**.**

**.**

**.**

Those nights, when he calls for her, they discard their ranks and their uniform, and cradle each other.

Hold each other close.

She strokes his hair, he caresses her face; they lie together, wrapped in the sheets, close, but not close enough. Neither of them will cry, and neither of them will say a single word. They stay together, _pressed_ and _protected_ , until it’s safe to fall asleep again.

**.**

**.**

**.**


	2. II

It is such a small thing, but so significant, she can’t help but stare. 

Levi has facial hair. Of course, she knew he would; he’s a man, and men usually grow facial hair. But Levi has facial hair, and he _hates_ facial hair. He hates facial hair because it is messy, unruly, and gets in the way. As far as he’s concerned, facial hair is unclean; and anything that so much as resembles uncleanliness is a sin.

Bizarrely, it suits him, and it takes a long time for Hanji to notice anybody of either sex. So, when she notices him, and notices his facial hair, and the fact he’s beginning to lose control, she stares. At the moment, it’s mostly stubble, whitish in some areas. Black and white, like salt and pepper. Like chalk and coal. He looks old.

Levi can _feel_ her staring at him.

‘What now?’ 

‘You’re not keeping that, are you?’

Levi frowns.

‘The fuck are you going on about?’

She points at his face. ‘ _That_.’

It takes Levi far too long to realise what she’s referring to. He runs a hand down his face, surprised. ‘I–’ And silence is the last thing she wants to hear. Levi doesn’t know. He had no idea he has forgotten to shave, because he’s been distracted. Because he’s had other worries. Even during the war, he had time to shave, but now, it’s irrelevant. 

Levi has forgotten to shave. Levi has stopped caring about his hygiene. Levi has stopped.

They watch each other, uncertain, confused, suddenly afraid. 

Neither have to say a word because they know. They know what is happening to him. 

‘Oh, dear.’

His left eye twitches. Oh, dear? Really? ‘Fuck off,’ he growls, not necessarily at her. More at himself. _Fuck off, you fool._ What is going on? Why has he left his hair grow? This isn’t _him_. Levi decides to turn away, probably embarrassed, probably annoyed; whatever he’s feeling, he doesn’t want Hanji to see him like this. Falling apart. Bit by bit. 

‘... _are_ you keeping it, though?’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘I don’t like it. I’m _not_ keeping it, Hanji. Leave me _alone_.’

‘You actually make it work – kinda.’

‘Kinda?’

‘Facial hair has its uses. It’s a natural growth, if you didn’t know. So don’t worry. It’s supposed to protect you from bacteria, potential infection–’

‘I don’t like it–’

‘–some men actually think it looks quite flattering, but I don’t really know where they get that idea from. Maybe a handful of women just have weird taste in men, and–’

‘–this doesn’t feel right–’

‘–somehow, it’s now considered attractive, although actually it just looks–’

‘Old.’

The wind blows in his hair, a caress. He lowers his head. 

Old. Ageing. Is that what they are now? Levi swallows. 

‘It’s over,’ he whispers. ‘I always thought it would never end – this war. I thought we would die fighting. That’s what we all thought. I thought–’ he is thinking too much. Too hard. It’s making his skull ache. ‘I was afraid I might lose you first. That you would leave me behind–’

Levi stops himself.

That horror still creeps into his mind. 

Cradling her dead body close, and weeping and weeping and weeping.

‘Why are you so _quiet_?’

He looks at her, and he’s genuinely panicking. Levi can’t stand her constant babbling sometimes, but what he hates more is her silence. Because her silence means something is wrong. Something isn’t right. There is something unfixable. Something which cannot be resolved.

There is a beat. She’s thinking. She’s trying to figure out what words she wants to use.

Why does the English language have to be so–

‘Limited,’ she mutters in frustration.

Frowning, Levi says, ‘What is?’

‘Language. I _hate_ it.’

‘Oh.’

‘I wish I learnt other languages when I was younger. At least, then, I would have more options available to me.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes. The English language doesn’t have words which other languages have, and if I had other words to choose from, then maybe I’d be able to convey what I’m thinking about. When you think about it, language is so _pointless_.’

‘Language is pointless?’

‘That’s right.’

Levi sighs, giving up. ‘I was talking about…’ _you_. _I was talking about you, dying, and me holding you to me, while I wept and cried, and I’m_ ** _giving_** _my heart to you, and I’m trying to place it in your hands, but you won’t let me, because you’re_ ** _pushing_** , ‘... Language isn’t pointless,’ he counters. ‘You just have no idea how to use it properly.’

‘I can’t live without you.’

His heart jolts.

Levi goes pale. 

_Oh_. Oh, shit. ‘You really have no idea how language works, do you?’ 

At least if Hanji knew how language works, she would allow him to brace himself. _Shit_. Levi runs his hands through his hair. _I can’t live without you_. She said it so casually, so obviously, because of course she can’t live without him, just as he can’t live without her, and this war, this _fucking_ war, has destroyed them both, and all they have left is each other.

They watch, wait – _she waits for him to strike, and he waits for her to attack._

Whatever they say next, they need to be careful. This is sensitive, this is dangerous. 

Never has he wanted to be so close to anybody in his life. His thoughts wander to their arms around each other, their lips touching, and he shakes his head viciously. Is this the trauma? Is this the loneliness? Is this how he has felt all along?

‘I’m shaving it off.’

‘All of it?’

‘Every inch.’ 

Levi struggles. Glances at her again. 

Wide eyed, curious, fascinated. 

Then he walks onwards, past her, and towards the barracks. 

**.**

**.**

**.**

Language truly is limited.

Hanji and Levi have never spoken through words, though.

All it takes is just one look – _a glance_ – and they know.

**.**

**.**

**.**

The Districts, those that remain, are running short on supplies. 

Alongside a few others, Hanji agrees to join the hunt for food. Nowadays, it is easier to find meat, fruit, and sometimes vegetables. Nowadays, it is easier to climb over the Wall. The Titans are gone. There is nothing left to kill.

A hunt typically lasts a couple of days. That is why Levi hates it when they don’t go together.

He misses her more and more each time.

And he will never tell her that. _Ever_.

Knife to his throat, he would rather lie than confess such a hideous feeling.

**.**

**.**

**.**

When the hunt returns, they have food, and fresh fruit, and the District is overwhelmed. So little of Humanity has survived, and yet Levi has never witnessed so many smiles. They share it out fairly. Rations. Keeps. Most of the food will be kept for months, portioned out evenly. Even after facing it many times, people are still afraid of death.

She is excited. Which isn’t unusual, but she _rushes_ over to him, with this wide grin and spark in her eyes, and he nearly has to _catch_ her–

They saw others. Other people.

_People_.

And they could leave this District, live beyond the Wall – they could settle outside. They could see the blue ocean, they could see all the corners of the world they have only imagined about. The people they met had no desire to kill them; they were cooperative, and kind, and

_People are alive_.

Levi catches himself **smiling**.

How can he not?

_She just does that to him._

‘I would like that,’ he says, holding her wrist, _steadying her_. ‘Let’s do that.’

Live together. Free.

Together, free, alive, happy, she’s bleeding.

Levi stares at the blood.

Oh.

‘Hanji.’

_She’s bleeding_.

‘Fuck,’ she mutters, annoyed at the distraction. ‘It’s just an old wound. It’s nothing. Ignore that; it doesn’t matter. Levi–’

‘Shut up.’ _She shouldn’t be bleeding._ ‘I’m cleaning you up–’

‘Aww, don’t do that, nooo, _please_?’

‘Come with me. Right now.’

Reluctantly, she allows him to escort her to the barracks. She’s like a child sometimes, disgruntled and irritated her parent is punishing her. She doesn’t want to wash! She wants to talk about outside the Wall. For fuck’s sake, her wounds don’t matter. It’s not as if she’s going to die. Levi is overreacting, and he needs to calm down, and why does he _care_?

His eyes scream with fear.

His hands are shaking.

His breath is erratic.

Once locked in private, Levi tries to unbutton her shirt.

_But he can’t stop trembling_.

‘I got this,’ Hanji says, removing his hands.

‘No, you don’t– _you haven’t_.’

‘Stop it!’

Levi retreats immediately. 

Never has she yelled at him. Never has she lost her nerve with him, and _yelled_.

Anger doesn’t suit Hanji, but a part of him feels as if she’s been angry her whole life. She’s just hid it well; focussed on her obsessions rather than her anger, rather than whatever happened to her before and during the military. 

He feels sore. 

Levi folds his arms, glaring at her while she unbuttons her shirt. 

The wound is old. Reopened from too much movement. The stitches have become undone.

Hanji brushes her fingers across the wound. Fingertips stained with blood. ‘Ah,’ she mutters. ‘I didn’t think it was that bad.’

‘Idiot.’ Levi walks over to one of the cupboards, and retrieves a box of medical equipment. There isn’t much for him to use, but he’ll be able to clean the wound, and cease the bleeding at least. ‘Sit on the bed. I’ll–’

She snatches the box from him. ‘Nope.’

‘Hanji–’

‘I’ve done this many times on myself.’

‘That’s probably why it started bleeding again!’

She looks at him.

Realises, she doesn’t have a choice. _He has to fix her_.

When she returns the box to him, he sighs, loudly, _relieved_. She sits on the edge of the bed, and patiently watches him. He cleanses the wound, wiping the blood away, and he’s thorough, and gentle. She thinks he would have made a great nurse if he wasn’t born to kill. 

The stitches don’t hurt. Not anymore. She’s used to them, just as he would be.

Piercing her flesh each time makes his heart skip.

Levi sews Hanji back together again. His hands shaking, his heart in his mouth, his pulse racing. And he’s perfect, skilled, he’s so _careful_ with her. She observes his hands, scarred and rough, fragile and cautious. The amount of focus he places on the wound, on her, is close to flattering. She has never seen him so _concerned_.

‘How does that feel?’

She doesn’t realise he is finished. 

She has forgotten why they’re here, why he has a needle in his hand, why he looks at her as if she might disappear at any given second.

Oh, God.

Poor boy.

Hanji grabs his collar, and kisses him. Levi drops everything. He falls slightly. Suddenly pushes himself onto her, tongue demanding, mouth hot, heavy. They have kissed other people before; but with each other, they’re _a mess_. Chaotic and urgent. 

The smell of him, the taste of his tongue, how he’s started to force her onto the bed – it’s driving her crazy. She bites on his lower lip, hard enough to draw blood, and he groans. His nails dig into her skin, and she virtually _rips_ his shirt open. He’s small, strong, his chest is like rock against hers – rubbing roughly across her breasts as he moves over her.

She pulls at his hair. Hurriedly drops her hands, unbuckling his belt. Levi gasps, eyes shut, and kisses her neck, teeth grating, breath like fire. They’re too impatient, too rushed. She’s still half dressed, and he hasn’t been able to take a single item of clothing off, and it’s fast, wet and hurried and–

Levi moans when he sinks into her. Gasps again.

He hasn’t done this in so long.

The sensation is unforgivable. He has never felt so many things at once, and she feels so _good_. 

She yanks him down to kiss her, and his lips are clumsy, and he rocks into her too quickly, too much at once, and she exclaims. Levi shudders. He’s hurt her.

_Hurt her_.

‘S–sorry,’ he mumbles, stutters, whispers. ‘I’m sorry–’

But that is what she wants.

For it to hurt.

She _needs_ that pain. She wants to hurt. She wants him to remind her what pain feels like, physically, _real_ pain. 

Levi moves again, his entire length sinking into her, and he groans with each thrust. Delirious. Mad. He doesn’t know how long he has wanted this, but for far too long, and far too long with her. His breath comes out in sharp gasps, his hair falling across his forehead, already losing his mind. She watches his expression, how soft and vulnerable he looks while he fucks her, and, God, what have they become? What have they done?

What are they _doing_?

It doesn’t take him long to race closer and closer to his orgasm. He moves in and out of her, frantic and hurried, and– _she’s quiet_. Levi groans, opening his eyes, looking at her. For a second, he stops, wrapped inside her, breathless, and–

‘I want to hear you,’ he shudders. ‘ _I need to hear you_.’

How is that the one time he wants to hear voice, she’s as silent as the grave?

Levi can’t decipher her expression, how she looks at him; she kisses him deeply, and, slowly, he starts to thrust into her again. Soft, gentle; she bucks her hips to meet him halfway, and then, _finally_ , they’re in unison with each other. He inhales sharply, clenching the bedsheets. She runs her fingers through his hair, down his back–

‘Harder,’ she demands.

Levi starts to tremble again.

‘ _Harder_.’

God, he can barely breathe. Levi exhales, raises himself, pushes her closer, and then _slams_ into her. Over and over, and over, and it’s painful, it’s _fucking_ painful, and it’s incredible, and she knocks her head back, clinging to him, and it’s over and over and over–

She comes abruptly, and the sound she makes is enough to send him over the edge. Levi drops his head, beginning to slow, helping her through their orgasm, and then he collapses. Levi tries to catch his breath, forehead sweaty, back glistening, throbbing and exhausted. 

Neither are quite sure what just happened.

_How_ it just happened.

They’re both in shock.

Hanji starts to dress first, not that much needs attending to. She shoves her trousers up, fastens her shirt, and abandons him on the bed. Levi rolls over onto his back, his breathing returning to a regular pace. Idly, he observes while she tucks in her shirt, ignoring the dried blood. Out of habit, he winces slightly at the stain.

She turns to speak to him, and he tenses, expectant. 

_I can’t live without you_.

Perhaps language isn’t as limited as she previously believed.

Levi is right: she just has no idea how to use it appropriately. 

‘You know what,’ she says, as if nothing happened between them, ‘I think I prefer the beard.’

Narrowing his brows, he lets her walk away, her confession making him think harder than it should.

Levi sits upright. 

Funnily enough, he thinks he might prefer himself this way too.


	3. III

_‘This whole time,’ he says, a very familiar sense of guilt slicing him to ribbons. ‘Have I been killing_ **_people_** _?’_

_Never has he considered suicide._

_Not once. Not even after losing his own Squad._

_But just the idea, the unfathomable thought, that he could kill–_

_A word stings in his mind:_ **_Murderer_** _._

**.**

**.**

**.**

He watches her as if he were truly broken.

The scar, viciously torn across her eye. He can recount the bruises he saw; although he witnessed very little of her naked skin when they made love. Her hands are raw, unattended to, worn from wielding blades and lack of care. A startling comparison to his own, which are softer. Or, maybe he just has nothing else to entertain himself with: focussing on his own appearance, his hygiene, it’s the only way out.

At least it makes him feel normal from time to time.

He watches her, devastated at what they have become, and thinks–

_We should be buried, and we should have been buried together_ **_years_ ** _ago._

‘I have discovered something remarkable.’

‘Is that right?’ Levi mutters.

She isn’t paying attention to him, and, for some reason, that irritates him. Makes him feel alone.

When she doesn’t notice Levi, he feels _alone_. 

‘The birds would have been a good ally. Can you imagine? If we trained them, and used them to our advantage; they can naturally fly, after all.’ He raises a brow at that. ‘I’ve observed birds flocking this way – which I haven’t seen happen _ever_. And I was watching them, I just suddenly realised how – with plenty of training obviously – they’d be made useful.’

‘I’ll be sure to tell the birds that when I next meet them.’

She pauses, thinking.

He sighs.

‘There’s a murmuration happening right now.’

‘A _what_?’

‘Have a look!’

Reluctantly, Levi abandons his seat and walks over to the window. He looks at her, expression dull, and then decides to give her the benefit of the doubt.

It is a wave. Like water.

A black wave, misting in the sky. A dance. The birds soar together brilliantly, in complete unison, so much so, that they make one. A beautiful performance, fluid and like _air_. The birds are flying, settling behind the Wall for the first time in decades. Levi stares up at the murmuration, lips parted, eyes wide; amazed. Never in his life has he seen anything so enchanting.

Those years, spent underground, he had no clue.

The birds survived. The birds are coming home.

For the first time, Levi is _shook_ with joy.

The war is over. And he is nearly reduced to tears.

He might have killed people, might have lost his mind somewhere along the way, but to see this, to witness such beauty in the sky – he would do it all again.

It takes him a moment to realise Hanji is watching him.

Levi blinks at her, hoping he wasn’t too expressive.

But this _is_ Hanji and she knows him better than anybody.

Better than he knows _himself_.

‘You’re upset.’

He opens his mouth to retort.

But he is upset. He’s fucking _shattered apart_. They’re veterans, and the war has aged them considerably, and he has killed so many lives, and spilt so much blood, and held so many dead bodies in his arms, and only _now_ – only _now_ , is he able to witness why.

Hanji took off her glasses some time ago. Levi adores her eyes. 

They’re so _young_.

Sometimes, she has the eyes of a child. 

‘I’m fine.’

The corner of her mouth twitches. At first, he mistakes this as amusement.

Instead, it’s just pain. 

She _winces_.

‘Never mind,’ she says this so quietly, he barely hears her.

Except he does. 

And when she turns to walk away, he grabs her hand, pulls towards him.

Kisses her forehead.

There is something angelic in his touch. As if what happened between them in the barracks was an innocent mistake, and he’s trying to reconcile the damage. 

Yet what they did, what they _mean_ to each other–

His breath escapes quickly. Eyelids half shut, he glances at her. Her lips, her neck, the slight reveal of her collarbone, and then her breasts, hidden behind her uniform. Levi inhales. There’s a familiar tightening between his legs, and he doesn’t know whether to feel ashamed. 

They made love, and it ended too abruptly. 

He wants her. She wants him.

But, she’s hopeless at words, and Levi has always been a man of action.

For her, though, he’ll try–

‘We could fly away too.’

She looks at him with this odd expression. She’s curious, concerned, puzzled.

Then she grins, and his heart drops: she doesn’t believe him.

‘Levi,’ although her voice is fond, ‘I never took you for a _sap_.’

**.**

**.**

**.**

Sleeping alone is an accident. As always, he wakes up, wailing.

Levi _wails_.

The nightmares get worse. 

He shoots upright, the sheets drenched in his sweat, and he _screams_. Tears pour from his eyes, and he claws at his hair, desperate to forget the images his head cruelly drew.

Several scouts hear him. They don’t dare enter the Captain’s private quarters, though. 

When Levi is frightened, it always means the end of the world.

**.**

**.**

**.**

He _is_ her world, however – so he can scream, he can yell, he can cry, he can smile, he can laugh.

It doesn’t matter.

As long as he’s alive.

She cradles his head, strokes his hair, and he _throws_ himself at her. 

His fingers dig tightly into her clothes. As much as his pride tells him not to, he simply doesn’t have a choice.

Levi bursts into tears in front of her. He cries, and she holds him.

How it’s been for so long. 

Then, he will stop. He will stop crying suddenly. Wipe his face. Look at her, and they’re both drunk with fatigue, and tired of the same trauma, and knowing this isn’t the last night his wails will force her out of bed. She sometimes wonders if they should _share_ a bed – at least, then, the travel to comfort him won’t be as long. At least, then, he can have her.

‘My fault,’ he whispers. ‘I lost them, and it’s my fault.’

The amount of people he could be referring to is millions.

‘Mine too,’ she generously admits.

God help her, it wasn’t _Levi_ who was suddenly positioned as Commanding Officer.

To a bunch of _children_.

Because after Erwin, after everybody _leaving them_ , the young Scouts were all Levi and Hanji had left.

Levi stiffens at her words.

His eyes are torn with apology.

**.**

**.**

**.**

‘Will you stay?’

That very question is locked with a thousand confessions.

_––don’t die_.

Levi’s vulnerability is terrifying.

She can’t see him very well in the dark, let alone without her glasses.

If her staying is enough for the nightmares to stop – then she will _always_.

Crawling over to where he lies, she rests beside him, head on his chest, hand on his heart. He moves slightly, cuddling her close, _needing_ her close.

Like an infant, he just falls back to sleep, Hanji in his embrace.

**.**

**.**

**.**

A coincidence. That is what he’ll convince himself later.

It is merely coincidence that the nightmares cease when Hanji sleeps beside him.


	4. IV

It is the jacket he notices first.

Worn down, neglected, scarred with blood and battle.

Torn wings scattered across the back.

A sigh passes his lips. Similar to sadness. He walks over, takes the jacket, and brings it up to his nose.

_Zoë_.

Closing his eyes, he inhales again.

The jacket smells of home.

**.**

**.**

**.**

_The glass is stained with his fingerprints._

_By midnight, he finishes his final drink. God knows how much he has had, and it’s far too much. He can barely focus. Everything is dizzy, slanted, and his emotions have magnified. Fuck. Levi swallows hard. He doesn’t want his emotions to magnify. He wants them to go away. He wants to be numb. He wants to_ **_stop_ ** _._

_For shame. For shame, that he stumble out of the building._

_Drunk._

_Oh. Oh, you_ **_fucker_** _._

_Levi falls into the wall._

_If he could cry. If only he could cry._

_Their darling faces are an eternity in his head._

_And hers – Petra. She haunts him. Her pretty face. Her youth. Her undying loyalty. Good Christ, what she would have_ **_done_ ** _for him. What she_ **_did_ ** _for him. Levi was her world. Levi was her life. The military, Levi Ackerman – it was what she lived for. And he let her die. He let her die. He abandoned her dead body and–_

_‘Captain?’_

_Levi stiffens._

_Oh, God, no._

_He whips around, desperate to appear sober. Levi tries to straighten his posture._

_Stumbles._

_Then, he looks at Hanji, and Hanji looks at him, and he’s_ **_torn_ ** _._

_She stares at him, shocked, perplexed, scared – completely understanding._

_‘I’m heading to the barracks,’ he mumbles._

_‘Good for you. Let me help.’_

_‘N–No,’ he exhales. ‘Go away.’_

_‘Trust me, you want me to help you,’ she smiles crookedly. There’s something familiar in her eyes, as if she knows._

_As if she’s been there before._

_‘Fuck off, shitty glasses.’_

_‘Try harder, short stack,’ she’s grinning, because she has power here. She is his superior officer, and his drunken stupor only proves that. Once, when she lost her own men, she might have drank herself silly. But she’s older, experienced, and Levi is young and childish and all he can do is throw insulting names. ‘Come on.’_

_Just as he’s about to retort, she takes his arm, slings it around her shoulders._

_Levi immediately surrenders._

_He leans most of his weight into her. Eyes drooping._

_Heart beginning to bleed._

_‘I should have died.’_

_She wisely ignores him. They manage to reach the barracks, and he’s safe, unharmed. The hangover will be Hell, but he deserves that._

_Levi refuses to be put to bed. He stops outside the barracks. Nearly slamming himself into the door. It’s remarkable he can stay balanced, the fool is hobbling so much._

_‘Don’t you think?’_

_Really, there’s no point in answering._

_Whatever she says, he’ll have forgotten by morning._

_‘I think you’re drunk.’ She folds her arms, ‘But I don’t think that.’_

_Levi scrunches his eyes. ‘I lost her,’ he whispers. ‘I lost her.’_

_Her. Hanji raises a brow._

_What he says, who he talks about, it_ **_stings_** _._

_She has always been fascinated in Levi, and, unlike everybody else, she’s viewed him more normal than anybody else within the military._

_But him loving–_

_For him to_ **_love_ ** _a woman._

_(Another woman.)_

_She rests a hand on his shoulder, ‘You should sleep.’_

_‘I can’t.’_

_‘Try.’_

_Levi slowly meets her eyes._

_His gaze is dead._

_‘You’ve had this too.’ He’s studying her. He’s_ **_invading_ ** _her. Then, Levi smiles. Crookedly. And it’s on the verge of_ **_cold_** _. ‘Before the military, what were you like?’ For as long as he’s known her, Hanji has held this stubborn personality as the crazed fanatic. Only now he has he started to wonder– ‘Do you hate them as well?’_

_Before, she can remember. Vividly._

_It was easy to scream and shout and curse Titans for what they had done._

_She was an_ **_angry_ ** _little girl once._

_‘No,’ Hanji allows, ‘Not anymore.’_

_She can’t. She can’t fall into the torturous, if not fatal, mindset._

_Revenge isn’t the way to win._

_Levi pauses. He’s watching her closely, protectively, adoringly, heartbroken._

_‘I envy you.’_

_She wishes he wasn’t telling the truth._

_‘Get to bed, Captain.’_

_And he just stands there, back pressed to the door, and watches her turn away. A part of him wants to grab her, ask how – how the_ **_fuck_ ** _do you do it? How do you spend your time studying these monsters? How do you do that, knowing they have killed your family? Your friends? Everybody and everything you ever loved?_

_Another part of him wants her, wants her lips on his, wants her to fuck him until it doesn’t hurt anymore; he wants her because she’s all he’s got left, and a horrible, bitter emotion swarms within him that he might be all she has left._

_One day. Maybe._

_Levi slips to the ground, raises his hands to his face._

_Sometimes, he is too like his Father._

_Most of the time, he is the very image of his Mother._

_And it_ **_kills_ ** _him._

**.**

**.**

**.**

They sit atop of the Wall. Like King and Queen to a Kingdom of nothing.

Hanji dangles her feet over the edge, staring at the minuscule people below. She’s wondering what to do with the Wall. After all, the Titans are dead. They have no need for it. However, in a way, the Wall has become a bit of a heritage. A part of history.

Shit. History.

That’s what they are.

All of her research, the copious amount of books she’s written on fucking Titans – she wants to _burn_ them.

A huge fire, throwing paper after paper into the flames, dancing around it like a mad woman.

Pointless.

She glances to the side. Levi has been pacing for an hour now.

They meet each other’s gaze.

‘You need new glasses.’

Hanji blinks. ‘Oh.’

‘They’re broken.’

‘Are they?’

Levi sighs heavily. Exhausted.

‘Shattered.’

‘ _Oh_.’ Hanji has to admit, she could do with a new pair. ‘Only on the left side, and it’s not as if I use that eye anyway–’

Levi looks at her sharply.

Never does he frighten her, but his _expression_ –

‘Well, I don’t,’ she shrugs. ‘I didn’t notice the broken glass.’

The scar, dragged across her eye, the lid still half shut, and the white beneath. 

Blind.

Levi’s breath is cut.

‘I’ll fix them,’ she tries to smile reassuringly. 

His shoulders drop. 

Disappointed. Upset. Loving.

‘You won’t.’

**.**

**.**

**.**

But she does.

She makes the effort, for him. 

Replaces the lens. Even gives her glasses a polish. 

It is easier, not to look at herself in the mirror.

Her sight has grown worse. So, when she raises her head to view her reflection, it’s a blur.

That scar _glares_ back.

Hideous. 

She almost seems to glare in return. Hanji pushes her glasses up to the bridge of her nose. Sees herself again. At least, behind the lens, the damage is less visible.

But it is something Levi witnesses every day.

Something he will never forgive.

**.**

**.**

**.**

That night, she enters his private quarters without knocking. He feels her enter the bed, doesn’t make a sound, and he tenses entirely when she rests her head on his chest. She’s warm. Soft. Trembling slightly. His arms curl around her waist, and he rolls onto his side, pressing his nose into her hair. Taking her towards him.

Levi opens his eyes.

‘ _Don’t die_.’

It nearly drives her to tears.

He confesses like a man who’s lost all hope.

Desperate, she kisses his mouth, and he kisses her too. 

She drags a hand through his short hair. Falls against the pillow. He continues to kiss her, raising himself, tilting his head, tongue between her lips. This time around, his hands analyse her. His palms are gentle, like feathers, smoothing down her stomach, her waist, her hips, to her thighs. Levi sighs against her.

God help her, because she loves him.

She really, really _loves_ him.

And what terrifies her more is that he might possibly love her more.

Levi places a hand on the mattress, clenches tight. 

Kisses her torn eyelid.

_Wonderful_.

They stop kissing. His eyes are dark, dilated, and she can feel his breath on her lips.

How can anybody be this beautiful?

Levi takes her breath away.

Never has he looked at anybody, like he looks at her now.

Nobody should be able to wield such _tenderness_ in their eyes.

And when he smiles–

_Fuck_.

– _when he_ ** _smiles_** _._

The two of them are exhausted. He rests his forehead against hers.

Breathe each other in.

Home.

Hanji kisses his lips softly. 

They’re stunned, in shock, at how _unlike each other_ they have become.

Who were those soldiers who fought an endless war? Who are they turning into now? What has their liberty offered them?

What is it that they feel for each other?

It doesn’t matter.

Levi wouldn’t have it any other way and, truthfully, neither would she.

If that is what it takes to be happy, then the rest is irrelevant.

Everything else is background.

Collapsing into her, Levi closes his eyes, listens to her steady heart, and they gradually fall into rest.

**.**

**.**

**.**

When he dreams, it isn’t of Titans, or deaths, or ghosts.

It is her and him. They are children. Playing on a field. Nobody has died. Nobody hates them. Nobody throws them into a loveless military. Nobody drives them to insanity.

They are children. 

Children who chase each other with sticks, who make up stories together, who talk and _laugh_.

She would be his favourite.

His absolute.

It, this, – _she_ – is all he has ever wanted.


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feeling generous. Have two chapters in one day. You never know, I might have the sixth chapter posted by tomorrow. Thank you for reading, lovelies!

_Kids. They're kids. And it's so easy to forget. Erwin watches them, fond, excited. When he joined the Survey Corps, he felt old - everybody around him was old._

_These two - Christ, they're children! Yet they have endured more than he did at that age, perhaps more than at the age he is_ **_now_** _. They pretend to be adults. They pretend to be old because their next promotion is hanging over their heads like an axe._

_He wonders how much they want this. Would they rather be elsewhere?_

_Would Levi prefer to remain underground? Grieving over his loss?_

_Erwin glances at Hanji, recalling all too well how he found her._

_Orphans are so easy to groom._

_Orphans are the best soldiers. They don't hold attachments. Quite simply, they owe the world nothing._

_Hanji is in a hurry to scribble as much as she can into her notebook. Her glasses are beginning to slip down her nose. It's not just that she is unaware of either. She doesn't notice the fact Levi is nudging her in the direction of Erwin - their Commanding Officer has hailed them over._

_‘Oi,’ he growls, ‘Quit the writing, Four Eyes - this way.’_

_Still engrossed in her research, Hanji starts to walk in the wrong direction._

_‘This way,’ Levi rolls his eyes. He grabs her arm and practically has to shove her towards Erwin._

_The Commanding Officer is smiling to himself._

_Somehow, these two have made friends._

_Finally Hanji has enough respect for Erwin to glance up from her work. The glasses have magnified the size of her eyes, and immediately she’s babbling on about what she's only just discovered._

_Levi’s expression falls._

_Most of what she’s saying is sound. Levi tries to listen. During one of her scouting missions, she witnessed a Titan expressing peculiar behaviour. For some reason, it had zero interest in eating her. Instead, it preferred to just lounge around and stare as the Scouts wandered by._

_This could mean a variety of things._

_Are all Titans solely interested in eating Humans, or are there exceptions? Is it possible that Titans might actually feed on other things - after all, why would the Titan have ignored them? It's been common knowledge that Titans eat whatever Human is before them. So it can't be a hunger issue, or a preference and it's doubtful Titans have a digestive system because-_

_‘If you start going on about Titans and poo, then I swear,’ Levi warns._

_Hanji smiles at him, excited he's joined the conversation.‘All right.Name me the most essential things Humans need in order to survive!’_

_‘What, why?’ Levi raises a brow. ‘What's that got to do with poo?’_

_‘Food. Water,’ Erwin helpfully offers. ‘Sleep.’_

_‘Right. Now I haven't actually witnessed a Titan hydrate themselves - there's still time - but they eat, they sleep-’_

_‘Sex,’ Levi snaps._

_Hanji blinks. ‘Sex?’_

_‘An essential thing Humans need in order to feel alive: sex. And Titans have no desire for sex, because, obviously, they have no reproductive organs.’_

_‘Well, actually, not all Humans_ **_do_ ** _depend on sex to live - for some, it's entirely unnecessary. I was referring to more crucial elements, though. Sex isn't as important as, say, sleep.’_

_Levi watches her for a long time._

_‘Yeah?’ He challenges, ‘And how would you know?’_

_For the first time, Levi sees her stiffen._

_But there's something lethal in her gaze._

_‘Humans depend on other Human contact,’ Levi continues, facing Erwin. ‘Titans do not. We like to be touched, to be kissed, and some of us like it even more when we’re fucked. Titans have no comprehension of what Humans demand in order to survive.’_

_‘Are you sure you're not just projecting your own issues into my research?’_

_‘I'm not becoming one of your experiments, Four Eyes, so don't worry.’_

_Hanji twitches a smile. ‘I know,’ she says finally, referring to his previous insult._

_Levi doesn't reply._

_But he smiles a little too._

_‘Keep it up, Hanji,’ Erwin says. ‘You know, I may have doubted your motives at first, but I think you might find something crucial here. Maybe Titans are more like Humans - more than we know, at least,’ he looks over at Levi, ‘You can't find the answers without asking the questions first.’_

_Levi frowns, uncertain if he’s still talking about Titans, or another concern entirely._

_‘Anyway,’ Erwin straightens. ‘I called you both here for a reason. Myself, and a few others are heading beyond the Wall for a brief mission. I'll inform you of the details later, but you two, together, make a strong team. What do you say? Join me?’_

_Neither have to be further convinced._

**.**

**.**

**.**

When Levi opens his eyes, he immediately searches for her.

After all: he fell to sleep, comforted that she lay in his arms and now-

‘Hanji?’

She stirs a couple of inches away. Her back is to him, and her knees are up to her chest, cuddling herself like such a small, vulnerable creature. 

Levi doesn't know why the sight makes him tremble. 

He always imagined Hanji a messy sleeper - obviously.The kind who talks and tosses and turns and makes a bloody racket about it as well. 

But Hanji always catches him by surprisewith her silence. 

Shuffling closer, he wraps his arms around her, pressing his front to her back; they fit like a puzzle. 

‘I thought you had left me for a second there.’

‘No,’ she replies absently. Then, suddenly, she jumps upright, ‘Ooh! I gotta change, I gotta-’ she whips off the sheets, accidentally throwing them over Levi’s head, ‘-check on them!’

Levi yanks the sheets off him. ‘Check on _who_?!’

Nearly tripping over her own feet, Hanji grabs her jacket, slung over the chair. 

‘Bean and Sonny, of course! Hm, maybe I should try teasing them with a little breakfast. Not people - I mean, I don't think that's very ethical - but, hey, they might like proper food. They'll probably feel more at ease if I gave them something to-’

'Zoë.’

‘-do.’

Nobody ever refers to her by her first name. 

It carries a history she doesn't want to return to and, frankly, it's never suited her anyway. 

Hanji has stopped completely. 

And his face is just _sad_. Levi can barely look at her, because looking at her while she talks about those ridiculous _pets_ she used to have, without realising they've been long dead, and that Erwin is dead too, and so are their friends, and that the war is over and 

he can't look at her because she breaks his heart in two. 

Levi sighs. 

‘Bean and Sonny are gone. Remember?’

She doesn't react. 

‘Erwin, Miche, they're all gone. Don't you remember?’

Hanji glances away from him. 

Levi watches. He's sorry. He's so sorry. 

‘I remember,’ she whispers. 

Then she proceeds for the door. 

Levi nearly chases after her, and it takes everything in him to let her leave. 

‘Where are you going?’

‘I don't know.’

The door slams shut. 

**.**

**.**

**.**

A few Scouts are on a short break, passing around cigarettes to one another and chortling at each other's jokes. They're young. Barely experienced much of the war, but they have all seen their fare share of Titans and corpses. 

The moment Commander Hanji arrives onto the scene, they jump to their feet and salute. 

‘At ease.’ They obey, and return to their seats. To their surprise, Hanji joins them. She stretches and leans over to take a cigarette. ‘Anybody got a lighter? I forgot mine.’

Lie. She doesn't smoke. Not really. 

A Scout happily obliges. ‘What brings you here?’

‘Bored,’ she exhales, smoke passing her lips. Hanji frowns at the Scout opposite her. ‘Oi, you. You got something there,’ she points to his nose. 

White powder. 

Drugs. 

‘Shit!’

Hanji guffaws. The other Scouts snicker. 

‘You're damn right _shit_!’ She grins. 

‘Commander, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I-’

‘Fucking hell, kid, I don't care. You can't even _imagine_ the stuff I was snorting when I was your age. Even afterwards I couldn't keep off the stuff.’ She taps her head. ‘Keeps the brain power going.’

‘Really?’ One asks, absolutely genuine. 

Hanji laughs. ‘No! But the excuse convinced Erwin anyway.’

They grin. A mixture of admiration and amusement. 

‘What happens now, Commander?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘They're dead, aren't they? My wife - she's been begging me to get another job. Help her sell bread. She's never had so many customers before. I can't leave but, I just want to know what's next for us? Why are still doing this?’

Hanji finished her cigarette.Squishes it with her heel. 

‘You still need an army.Even when there's no war to fight.’

She stands and the Scouts watch her. Wait. Listen. 

It's always been weird for Hanji - being Commanding Officer.

She really misses Erwin. 

‘You know what?’ She removes her glasses, wiping them clean with her cuff. ‘Fuck it. You go help sell bread with your wife. Walk away. I mean, why not? It's over, isn't it, so what's the point in staying? Rest assured, I didn't join the military because I felt like killing Titans. I joined because I wanted to protect people. Titans aren't the only threat to mankind - one could argue they never really were. I'm still here because it's my duty to protect and keep whoever is left safe.’ She places her glasses on again. Looks at him. ‘What say you, kid?’

Another scout jumps in, ‘I'm not going anywhere.’

‘Me neither,’ the other says. ‘My Father _and_ Mother fought; they’d roll in their graves if I walked away when the job is at its easiest.’

‘Heh,’ Hanji smirks, ‘Is it?’

To be honest, this _job_ has been almost _impossible_. Especially now.

‘Wipe your nose,’ she says, before turning away. The other Scout obeys, hastily wiping his nose with his sleeve. Hanji pauses. ‘Oh: if I catch you getting up to anything like that again, I’ll _ensure_ you’ll be leaving this job speedily.’

‘Yes, Commander. Sorry, Commander.’

‘Send my greetings to the wife.’

**.**

**.**

**.**

Levi doesn’t notice the young boy. A group of children are chasing each other, accidentally barging into other people, giggling between themselves. Nobody seems to mind. If anything, it’s wonderful to see children have fun for once.

It must be nice. That kind of ignorance.

The children dash past him, except for one. A small, little boy, with platinum hair, and bright green eyes. His cheeks are chubby. But he has skinny arms, and legs. 

When he collides into Levi, the impact causes the boy to fall.

Levi immediately catches him before he hits the ground.

‘You should watch where you’re going,’ he warns, helping the boy find his balance.

‘I–sorry, Mister! I–’ The boy looks at him. Widens his eyes. Gasps. ‘Are you Mister Levi?’

Levi doesn’t take this as a flattery.

He knows why this boy recognises him.

‘That’s right,’ he replies softly.

‘My brother went away with you,’ the boy says, ‘But he didn’t come back home. Have you seen him, Mister Levi?’

What saddens Levi more is that he’s not entirely sure _who_ this poor boy could be referring to.

But: ‘Sure,’ he lies. ‘He’ll be home soon.’

This brings a na[ï](https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&ved=0ahUKEwjl1qCJ69HUAhWdOsAKHXi_BKsQFghXMAE&url=https%253A%252F%252Fen.wiktionary.org%252Fwiki%252Fna%2525C3%2525AFve&usg=AFQjCNFJhBifEm0k6-fEMCgyIRxBKfVv7A)ve, beautiful smile to the boy’s face, and it’s a sin.

Levi hates himself for lying, however he would hate himself with pure malice if he told the truth.

This poor boy. This poor _baby_.

‘Is it true what they say about you, Mister Levi?’

‘What’s that?’

‘That when it’s night, you turn into a wolf, and chase away scary monsters?’

Levi frowns. ‘Where did you hear that from?’

‘Is it true?’

Levi crouches down to meet the boy’s eye level.

‘You wanna know what the trick is?’

‘Yeah!’

‘I don’t need to turn into a wolf in order to do that.’ He tries to smile. ‘One day, you’ll be able chase away scary monsters too. It doesn’t take much. You just have to show a little bravery. Think you can do that?’

The boy nods, beaming ear-to-ear. ‘I wanna be like you, Mister Levi.’

‘You do?’ Levi _does_ smile this time. Oh, what he would do to be anything _but_ himself. ‘How about you try and be better than me first? You might prefer it.’

‘Okay.’

Levi pats his shoulder. Stands.

‘Thank you, Mister Levi.’

‘You’ve got nothing to thank, kid.’

The boy smiles up at him. Happy. Amazed to witness his hero. 

Levi _wishes_ he could be happy too.

Perhaps because his parents taught him kind manners, or maybe he _does_ feel that close to Mister Levi – but, the young boy comes over and cuddles him. Levi stiffens, his throat narrowing. Gently, he places a hand in the boy’s hair.

Looking up, he can see five Scouts atop of the Wall. Patrolling, keeping their eye on what’s happening below.

Only one of them is watching him, and he knows who it is.

Hanji hasn’t actually seen Levi show any form of affection to a child. Or, to anybody except her. She doesn’t know if it’s a good feeling, when Levi accepted the embrace, but something unfamiliar is urgent to know that side of him a little more.

When she realises Levi has caught her studying him, she immediately faces the opposite way.

Children.

They have always seemed like such a distant, uncertain gift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm slipping in a few headcanons here and there regarding Hanji's history. It's a shame her past hasn't been delved into at all – there's a story to be told, and I have a horrible feeling it's as fucked up as Levi's. So, I shall definitely go more into her history later on in the story.


	6. VI

The rain is angry. Ice, cold droplets. Sharp as daggers. When the world mourns, it is violent and loud. Levi has been watching the downpour, eyes half shut, feeling surprisingly eased. He has always enjoyed the _pit patter_ of the rain, always liked to be tucked away in the shelter.

He doesn’t know why he cares. But, Hanji’s absence is noticeable – and he doesn’t like that it’s noticeable. He notices her so dearly, that when she isn’t near him, he fears he may be driven to madness. So, abandoning the window, he walks out of the building and searches for where she might be.

It doesn’t take him long. The streets are deserted, the sky a dark shade of blue; close to midnight. Levi is drenched within seconds. Rain drips off his fringe, trails across the bridge of his nose, makes him squint. By the time he finds her, he’s wet and he’s freezing and his teeth chatter.

She sits in the middle of the empty road, fiddling with the gravel.

‘You’ll catch a cold,’ he warns. She’s only wearing thin layers, after all. 

‘Oh, well,’ Hanji says airily.

‘What are you doing out here?’

She pauses. There’s a sadness in her voice: ‘Trying to get clean.’

‘We have showers – warm water! Hanji, you’ll make yourself sick–’

‘I like the rain,’ she says quietly. 

Levi is frowning. He’s worried about her, because he doesn’t know how long she’s been sitting in the rain for, and he doesn’t want her to get ill. Because if she gets ill, and if she doesn’t take care of herself properly, then that could lead to infection. And if they don’t find any medical help in time, then the infection will spread, and grow worse, and then she’ll be dead.

Stepping towards her, his heart is pounding heavily. 

‘Please,’ he says, ‘Come inside.’

Hanji looks up at him. Her glasses are off, and he can’t stand how _vulnerable_ she is–

Fuck. Oh, fuck. 

Levi winces. 

‘Come inside, _please_.’

‘Why?’

‘Because you’re scaring me.’

‘Oh,’ and she feels like the worst person on earth, ‘I’m sorry.’ She hesitates. Then reaches for his hand. She pulls him slightly. ‘Will you sit with me for a moment?’

Levi opens his mouth to protest.

But he can’t – he can’t refuse her.

He falls to his knees, soaked to the bone, and leans forward. Levi rests his head on her shoulder, breathing in; she pulls at his shirt, tucking him close to her, and she’s warm and soft and lovely and she smells of blood, grit and rain. Levi imagines dying in her arms, like this, and he would die the happiest and safest man who ever existed. He would die, smiling.

Then he starts to tremble.

Suddenly, Levi is _assaulted_ , and he shakes harder, needing Hanji to hold him tighter. 

He looks at her, exhaling sharply, completely helpless. She holds his face while he cries, tears pouring down his cheeks silently, and he can’t stop _shaking_. Levi tries to catch his breath, but each time, he gasps, as if being stabbed over and over. Levi scrunches his eyes shut, clenches his jaw, and every face he loved is torn in his mind. Their pretty faces burned and buried.

‘I’m scared I’ll lose you,’ he confesses, his armour and blades crashing to the ground.

This is his surrender. He is done with the fighting. Fighting has taken so much away from him, and what he has left is so very little, he won’t, he _can’t_ , live without. 

Without her, his life has no meaning whatsoever. She is all the family he has, and he can’t lose her–

It is a relief to hear him say this, to say anything at all. 

She affectionately drags her hand through his hair, and he inhales sharply, reassured by her touch. Levi opens his eyes, inflamed and tired, and there’s still so much more he wants to say.

_I’d follow you to the grave–_

_I can’t live without–_

_I_ **_love_** _–_

‘Can we go back now?’ Levi whispers.

Hanji doesn’t reply. She takes his hand again, and they help each other to their feet. They hold each other close, arms round their shoulders, like old friends, like old veterans, like two people who have been married for lifetimes. His footsteps are heavy. Her shoelaces are undone. They’re drenched, and they might just freeze to death, and what a glorious irony that would be.

The two of them pledged their lives, they _gave_ their lives, and only ended up surviving the war.

So the rain gets them instead.

When they return, Hanji is laughing quietly about the irony. Levi wishes he could laugh too. But he’s wounded, bruised from his own words, from how _frightened_ he feels about her leaving his side–

But her laugh is almost humourless; it’s bewildered, shocked. 

‘You got a towel?’ She asks.

Levi is a step ahead of her. He grabs two towels, and passes her one. 

But their clothes are soggy, and he’s shivering, and she’s shivering, and– ‘I’m pouring a bath,’ he announces, dropping the towel. 

‘Have fun,’ Hanji says.

‘No – you’re getting in it.’

‘Eh?’

‘You’re not catching a cold – not on my watch. And, frankly, I’m not keen on catching one either.’

Clearly Hanji doesn’t have an opinion on the matter. Still carrying her towel, she follows him, kicking off her muddy boots along the way. 

The water is hot. Flows into the bathtub, and, in turn, warming up the room. 

‘You can go first,’ Levi says. ‘Pour in fresh water when you’re done.’

Hanji can’t recall the last time she had a bath. A shower, she can recall, but a _bath_?

She pulls a face. ‘Must I?’

He pulls a face back, one which demands no argument.

Amused, Hanji smiles crookedly. ‘Whatever you say,’ she sort of mocks him, sort of doesn’t, sort of loves him all the more for caring about her this much.

Levi exhales – perhaps relieved – and leaves her be.

**.**

**.**

**.**

When it is his turn to bathe, the room is slightly misty from the heat, and he spots the wet footprints across the floor, leading to the doorway. He dips his hand in the water. It’s the perfect temperature. Levi starts to remove his clothes, his trousers squeezing his thighs because they’re so soaked. They’re a struggle to pull down. He yanks off his shirt, shoulders aching from the movement, and then the final few layers. Levi brushes his hair back with his hands, and steps into the bathtub.

Gradually, he eases himself into the water. Sighs contentedly, and lies back.

Very quickly, his body relaxes, and so does he. His cheeks have adopted a shade of red, and he feels warm, refreshed, and he feels genuinely good about himself. Levi sighs again, closing his eyes. The rain _pit patters_ against the window, against the walls of the building; a cosy sound. Safe.

Safe.

Levi rarely feels safe.

He hears the door open, then close. Footsteps. Levi opens his eyes.

To his surprise, Hanji has actually gone to the effort of drying her hair. It’s more red than he thought, and due to seeing her with it up most of the time, he hadn’t realised how long her hair had grown. Levi admires her clean state fondly. She’s wearing a long shirt, and little else, and he wonders if she’s teasing him, or this is just how comfortable she feels around him. Maybe both.

His eyes drop to the unbuttoned area a little above her chest. She sits on the edge of the bathtub, this illegible smile on her lips, and he watches her silently. He’s smiling too, unaware of it, and the panic they felt before has evaporated. 

‘Is it nice?’

Levi nods, chin dipping into the water. ‘You enjoyed yours, I assume?’

‘Mm,’ she shrugs, ‘It wasn’t too bad.’

Levi scoffs. ‘You’re full of shit, shitty-glasses.’

‘You haven’t called me that in a long while.’

‘You becoming my Commanding Officer didn’t really–’ he pauses momentarily, ‘–help.’

Her gaze goes distant. ‘Oh.’ Levi wonders what she’s thinking about. A whole variety of things. Titans, people, Erwin, Erwin’s dead body, Moblit’s dead body, the chilling rank of Commanding Officer, having no choice but to protect these young, orphaned soldiers who depend solely on her to stay alive and end the wretched war. Levi’s heart shattered for her when she became leader. 

Hanji tests the water.

‘It’s starting to get cold.’

‘I’ll be out in a minute,’ Levi says.

There is a long, intimate silence between them – the kind of silence which is deafening, where all he can hear is their breathing, their heart beating, the constant rain outside. 

‘Can I be with you tonight?’

Levi can’t help himself. He has to laugh, and it’s such a happy laugh.

‘You shouldn’t ask me that.’

‘What, why?’

‘Just – I don’t want you to.’

She raises a brow at him, and stands to her feet, ‘And they think _I’m_ the nutcase.’

‘You _are_ the nutcase, Hanji; a nutcase with the occasional good manners, at least.’

She likes the sound of that. ‘Don’t be too long.’ Levi watches her leave, still smiling, still safe, still happy. There is something wonderful to be asked if he can be slept with. After all they’ve been through together, he is amazed she would actually _ask_ , though.

All their boundaries have been dismantled. 

He steps out of the bath. Dries his hair and body with the towel, before tying it round his waist. On entering his quarters, he closes the door, and meets her halfway into the room. They embrace. They cuddle each other, and she’s warmer than before, and she smells really nice, and her hair – usually an absolute mess – is soft in his hands. Levi closes his eyes, exhales slowly.

‘You feel good,’ he says. Breaths beginning to shake. ‘You feel really good.’

‘Come closer, then.’

They kiss and, this time, it isn’t like before. This time, they know each other, and they want to take their time, and, this time, it isn’t chaotic or urgent or rushed. Their kisses are deep, warm, and slow. She runs her palms down his chest, reaching the towel, and effortlessly letting it fall. 

He tilts his head, his tongue between her lips, and his fingers prying at the buttons to her shirt. Reaching down, Hanji can feel he doesn’t require much work, and, quite rightly, Levi dedicates most of the attention towards her. 

Levi has always felt a thrill pleasing his partner, male or female, sometimes more so than when pleased himself.

The shirt is taken away, spilt to the floor, and he gently places a hand over her breast. She inhales sharply – but doesn’t resist him. Levi massages tenderly, lowering his head to kiss her jawline, her neck, and he can’t get over how lovely she smells, how clean and warm she feels against him, and it makes him nearly smile. 

For a moment, he thinks she might be quiet like before, but when he takes a breast in his mouth, his tongue hot across her nipple, she gasps out in pleasant surprise.

She drags her hands through his hair, and he shudders. God, he needs and wants more of her. Her body is splashed with battle wounds, just like him, and some of these scars occurred before he entered her life – which causes him to pause, if for a moment.

They once never knew each other. 

Hanji brings him back up to kiss her, and he obliges, his hand slipping from her breast, to round her back. She nips at his lower lip, presses her body into his; he’s already hard, and the pressure of their bodies meeting makes him grab at her like a frightened animal. 

Levi encourages her back into the bed, and the lack of communication between them does not go unnoticed. 

On top of her, he breathes out gradually, barely able to keep his eyes open. He has never felt this way towards anybody, and he doesn’t understand why it’s taken them so long to get this far–

But they’re here now. Alive.

Levi softly places his hand between her legs, and he watches her while he dips his finger inside her. With just the right amount of pressure, he rubs her clit beneath the pad of his thumb, while slowly sliding his finger in and out – only slightly, softly enough. She moans, grabbing his wrist, encouraging him to go a little deeper. Levi breathes sharply, amazed at the amount of sensations shuddering between them. 

And the more he touches her, the closer she gets, and it’s making him dizzy, amazed, so in love with her. She brings her other hand to the back of his head, and they kiss; frantic, hungry. She kisses him harder suddenly, desperate to silence herself when she hits her peak. The plan fails, and the sound she makes is so wonderful to his ears, it makes his heart race.

Patiently, Levi lets her calm from her high, but she doesn’t need much time. She strokes his hardened shaft, guiding him towards her. Levi’s head falls forward, his fringe over his eyes, and if she doesn’t stop, he won’t be able to take much more. He groans, takes her wrists in his hands, and pushes them into the mattress. They look at each other, uncertain how to react, how to feel, because there’s _so much_ to focus on, and yet they’re close to madness with each other.

He glances at her torn eyelid, and kisses there sweetly. 

Levi eases into her – carefully. His arms are shaking while he holds her wrists, and the sensation of entering her alone makes him gasp out. 

He is so sensitive around her. Something fragile and easy to break.

Then he starts to rock into her, sliding his length in and out, breathing across her cheek. Hanji manages to release her wrists from his grip, cradles his face between her hands, and kisses him. They kiss, over and over, pulling away, then back in again, as if asking for permission each time. He pauses briefly, brushing his lips across hers, and just needing to – _stop_ a moment.

Levi swallows, voice weak: ‘I love you.’

She knows. She’s always known, but hearing him utter those three words is overwhelming.

Hanji raises herself, kissing him, before encouraging him onto his back. Levi closes his eyes, head to the pillow, his hands resting on her hips while she straddles him. Then she starts to move. He holds her tighter, breathing out heavily. She places her palms across his chest to balance herself while she rises and falls into him. The friction increases, and he can hear her gasp, moan quietly, and he opens his eyes to see her – to watch her.

He thinks she’s beautiful. Breathtaking.

Shit, he can barely _breathe_ , and she only feels the very same. 

Their flesh is torn and ruined. Yet, they’re in _awe_ of each other.

Levi whispers her name – ‘ _Hanji_ ’ – as if it were a million confessions in one.

When she comes, he meets her there, and they tumble over the edge, racing for a blissful oblivion only they can reach. They both finish, shaking, struggling for breath, and far from done. Levi wraps his arms around her, lips pressed to hers, and, if he could, and maybe he could, maybe he will – he would tell her how much he loves her, how he’s always loved her, how he’ll always love her–

–there’s a reason he condemns emotion.

Because he has too much of it. 

Far too much for her, and it frightens him to death.


	7. VII

_A boy, only a few years older than she, mocks slitting his throat._

_The invisible knife cuts across his flesh, suffocating the life out of him, and he has this funny, certain grin on his face._

_None of the other recruits see him. She’s fifteen years old, has witnessed more deaths than should be allowed for a girl as young as she is, and, yet, witnessing that – the boy, slicing his throat – is more than frightening. She’s quiet, raising her collar, and hiding half her face in the uniform. She hates it here._

_It’s her eyes. Erwin notices first. Pink around the edges, dark rings beneath, unusually pale cheeks. This isn’t a bizarre sight. Many other recruits are suffering the same. It’s just nobody talks about it; everybody avoids the topic. They refuse to acknowledge the recruits who creep away, find an isolated corner, and take their next hit._

_There are many ways to escape reality. Erwin had his own, and so does this girl._

_‘How long has it been?’_

_These are the first words he says to Hanji. She looks younger without the glasses and, with them off, he can really see the damage she’s inflicted on herself._

_She rubs her eyes. ‘What’re you talking about?’_

_‘I know somebody who can give you a hit. Want me to take you to him?’_

_Hanji laughs breathily. ‘Could you–’ she groans, frustrated, impatient, needing that hit he’s teasing her with, but she_ **_won’t_** _, ‘–fuck off, please?’_

_And there it is. As a young girl, Hanji is the kind of angry who’s seconds from snapping. The only source of comfort she has – or, had – was the pretty, white powder she used to share amongst the other villagers. Orphans, running free and wild, and acting like reckless idiots. Erwin wonders what kind of soldier she could be, if given the chance._

_‘That’s no way to speak to your superior.’_

_Hanji stops. ‘Shit.’_

_‘Nice save,’ he smirks. He reaches over, and pulls out the dog tags from beneath her shirt, reads her name. ‘It’s good to meet you, Hanji.’ He offers her a hand to shake, which is bizarre. Being her superior officer, he shouldn’t be so polite. ‘Erwin Smith. If all goes well with your training, you’ll be reporting to me.’_

_She takes his hand, and they shake on it._

_‘Take it from me, though: you won’t be getting far if you rely on that stuff.’_

_Hanji nods, because it’s the most obvious statement in the world. She drags a hand through her hair. Erwin notices the fact she’s shivering, that she’s sick; that beads of sweat are beginning to form across her forehead, and she looks like Hell. The symptoms of somebody who is trying to resist._

_‘You’ll be throwing up soon, you’ll find it impossible to walk, and all you’ll want is a bump. The next few days will be the worst you’ve ever had. If you get through that, then you might be of value to us.’_

_‘Why are you bothering with me, anyway?’_

_Erwin shrugs. ‘I’ve seen some of the work you’ve written. It’s impressive. You’re clearly able to absorb information quickly – I know people like you, but it’s taken them ages to take in what you’ve discovered yourself. If offered the right means, you could help us with a few questions. There’s obviously a history behind this war, and you already seem to have some insight into it. Also, it’s rare to find somebody who’s genuinely interested in Titans – we need somebody like that. But it’s up to you.’_

_Rolling back his shoulder, Erwin turns on his heel._

_‘I’ll see you around,’ he says, walking away._

_Hanji watches him leave. She wraps her uniform around her tighter, her thoughts split on whether she should just relieve herself, or follow with Erwin’s advice. And if she does get through this, what then? A Titan might eventually eat her, or she’ll die from something stupid, like dehydration or whatever else._

_She twitches a smile._

_Then again, if she at least_ **_tries_ ** _to recover, what has she got to lose?_

_She remembers the boy holding the invisible knife. The slow cut across his throat. Whatever decision she chooses, that’s the way she’s going anyway._

**.**

**.**

**.**

‘Nineteen.’

Levi rolls up his sleeves, a funny smile on his face. 

The Wall offers them a view of the Gods. Sometimes, while he walks along it, he feels like one. It’s a rare occasion when he still feels a rush from the war. 

Hanji is standing _way_ too close to the edge. But he’s accustomed to her dangerous habits. 

‘I was nineteen,’ he continues. ‘I’m not sure if I ever told you. I used to reside in the Underground District, spent my life stealing from people, getting involved in dodgy deals.’ He shrugs. ‘I had never seen a Titan before. In fact, I had never seen the sun. We always made up stories about what it was like above.’

‘Mm.’ She’s listening. She knew about his history; Erwin had informed her about Levi soon after he joined the Survey Corps. Still, it’s interesting to hear Levi’s story from the man himself. 

She sits on the edge of the Wall, dangling her feet over. 

Levi steps behind her, as if ready to jump if she falls. 

‘That was when I first saw one, when I was nineteen. They weren’t as scary as I thought.’ He glances down at her. ‘And you?’

‘Oh, I _adored_ them from the start.’

‘You’re talking shit,’ Levi crouches down to her eye level. ‘Nobody adores those fuckers, not even you. Whenever I’ve asked about you before the military, you’ve always avoided it. Well–’ he shrugs, ‘–there’s nobody around now.’

‘I just don’t think my life is very interesting.’

‘Nobody who thinks they’re life is boring says that.’

She smiles crookedly. Leans back slightly, resting against him. ‘Hm,’ she dreamily thinks back, and Levi wishes she didn’t look so _cute_ in these moments. Irritated, he looks away. But what she says next feels like a _crash_ to his system. ‘I was three when I first met one.’

‘What?’

‘Titans are really big when you’re a kid – you don’t realise just how big they are. Fortunately, it was too busy eating my Father to notice me. I didn’t really understand what was happening actually. But it was chewing away at him, and he was still breathing, still talking even – I remember all the blood rushing from where the Titan was scraping bits off of him – there was _so much_ fucking blood. It’s incredible how the human body is filled with so much blood. He had nearly filled the floor with it, and he wasn’t even dead yet.’

‘Hanji…’

‘Anyway.’ She shrugs, like it’s no big deal, ignoring how soft Levi’s expression has become. ‘I didn’t like what was happening very much, so I thought if I left for a while, and then came back, everything would be back to normal. Thing is, I saw other people getting eaten too. Not as slowly, either. I saw people’s heads being bitten off, arms ripped away; people were still crying while being mauled to death. There were corpses everywhere. I didn’t know, until later, that a herd of Titans had managed to find the entrance to our village, and ate whoever was in sight. Alongside a few others, I fled.’

‘That’s when you found the military?’

‘No – not until much later. There were other kids like me, who had seen the same thing. Adults too. They gave me this–’ she pauses, and looks at him. Levi blinks, completely oblivious about her years depending on drugs. She would hate to ruin that perspective he currently has. He watches her so sweetly, so sympathetically, and he doesn’t deserve the reality. What would he think of her? Would his opinion of her fall completely if he found out?

‘Gave you what?’ He asks.

She searches his eyes. Then, looks away, removing her glasses and rubbing her eye.

‘I don’t know if you’ve ever seen it – a white powder people used to pass around when I was little. It’s not as common anymore, but–’

‘Drugs?’

‘Yeah. So, I got into that kind of thing.’

‘What?’

‘Not for very long. I quit soon after joining the military.’ Levi is silent. Hanji misinterprets this as a punishment. ‘I promise I don’t do that stuff anymore–’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘I didn’t think it was important.’

‘It _is_ – you _are_.’ Levi stands abruptly. Pauses. Breathes. ‘So, when I came along, were you still dependant on it?’

‘No.’ She glances away. ‘Um, well, _ish_.’

‘I’m sorry.’

That is the last thing she expects him to say.

‘Sorry?’

‘Yeah.’ Levi shoves his hands into his pockets. ‘I’m sorry I never knew.’ He recalls to how she witnessed her own Father being eaten, the place where she used to live completely destroyed. ‘You must have hated them.’

‘I did – sometimes, I still do.’ She’s smiling again. ‘I always liked Jaeger for his angry outbursts.’ She faces the view again, ‘Reminded me of when I was younger.’

‘Don’t tell him that. He might freak out that he’ll end up as crazy as you are now.’

They share a silent grin. The idea of taunting the poor kid is amusing to them both. 

A long quiet passes between them. Levi sighs, watching her. It’s difficult for him to not express any affection; after what she admitted to him – which must have been hard – all he wants to do is wrap her up his arms, and kiss her. And what stuns him is that he’s never felt this way towards anybody before. 

Never has he _needed_ somebody close to him. Never has he felt like crying from somebody’s trauma. Levi had gone through a horror as a child, especially during his adolescent years, but he never knew the depth of Hanji’s damage. 

He sits beside her. Leans across to kiss her cheek. She stirs, turning to look at him with a smile. 

‘We should leave for a while,’ Levi suggests. ‘Leave the Walls for a bit.’

It’s almost funny to hear him suggest this. Levi isn't the type to abandon his duties for pleasure. On the other hand, it’s not as if their presence is entirely necessary. Hanji may be Commanding Officer still, but so few soldiers are on duties nowadays, she’s able to spend some free time outside of the Walls.

But for Levi to say _we–_

_We. We should leave._

_Together._

‘And then what?’

‘Um,’ Levi clears his throat. ‘I didn’t think that far ahead.’

She sniggers. ‘I’m joking. It’s nice you’re acting spontaneously for once.’ Levi grumbles something under his breath. Hanji smirks, and kisses his mouth. ‘But, why not? It’s not as if I have anywhere else to be,’ she throws him a sarcastic expression.

He has to smile as well. ‘Thanks.’ Levi outstretches his hand, ‘You've got some dirt on you,’ he proceeds to rub off a small mark on her cheek. ‘Better.’ He lowers his hand. Smiles shortly. ‘Much better.’ Levi decides to throw a little light onto Hanji’s past: ‘To be honest, I’m relieved I never knew you back then – if I thought you insane when I met you, God knows what you were like when you were high.’

She lets him have that dig at her, and so doesn’t throw back some smart remark. Instead, Hanji shuffles closer to him, and rests her head on his shoulder. Levi waits a second, before wrapping an arm around her, and leans against her too.

They sit together, arms around each other, and it’s the most content they’ve felt in years.

They’ve _ever_ felt. 

It’s bizarre how they had to fight a war together in order to realise–

‘Will you come with me?’

He almost sounds like a child. 

Somebody insecure and vulnerable and wanting his best friend to run away with him.

Hanji cuddles him tighter. Travelling with Levi, searching for the blue sea, to feel the sand between their toes, and the smell of salt water – and just them.

‘I think I already said that I would.’

‘Oh, right.’

Hanji kisses his neck, raises herself to kiss his cheek – but he turns his head at just the right moment. 

When he kisses her, it is from a familiar place. 

A promise, a vow, a pledge; a precious gift, sealed behind three words.

Something like the sand, like the deep blue sea, like freedom hung by its wings – like home.

**.**

**.**

**.**

‘Let’s go.’

They don’t have anything to pack, no memories to carry with them. All they’ve ever really needed is the security and safety of each other. 

And that’s enough.

Levi squeezes her hand. The 3D Manoeuvre Gear heavy on his hips. A happy promise of tomorrow in his eyes. This is where she wants to be.

The fall is easily saved from the Manoeuvre Gear, and they zip forwards, fast as lightning; whatever they left behind slowly disappearing. 

He looks at her, and she’s smiling, free and soaring, and he starts to smile as well.

When the war is over, he escapes the Walls with his closest comrade, and he is the happiest he has ever been.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo, I actually got this one finished!
> 
> I originally planned to write them reaching the sea, but I thought I'd leave that up to you to think about. 
> 
> Side note: I know Hanji's first name is actually Hanji – however, I thought it would be a fun idea for Zoë to be her first in this fic. Also, the idea regarding her history sort of came to me on a whim. I might revisit it in another fic, maybe.
> 
> Thank you for reading! I really adore this ship, so I'll probably write more on them in the very near future.
> 
> Fic title, including Levi's quote, are a reference to the song _Skulls_ by Bastille, and the song basically screams LeviHan.


End file.
